凌晨兩點鐘到清晨

今日凌晨兩時刷牙吐出牙膏泡沫時，突然發現泡沫竟然是紅色的，不知何故刷得滿嘴是血，混在泡沫之中，頓時讓我有「相濡以沫」的詭異感覺。是上天向我暗示些什麼嗎？

是把心頭的瘀血吐出來也罷，是我刷牙時心不在焉也罷，沒有什麼是重要的了。

清晨七點十三分我在腹痛與心悸中醒來，睡不足的心神恍惚，短短約五個鐘頭睡得非常不好，腦海里彷彿經過一場驚風駭浪，醒來什麼都沒有記住，在這時這刻，我一度以為死亡距離我很近，浮現一種無以名狀，難以言喻的害怕情緒。

躺下想繼續睡，一首又一首的歌掠過腦海，沒有一首是快樂的曲調。Tom Waits有首叫：《Earth Died Screaming》的歌，足以表達我在這個時候的「毀滅」心情。

一幕接一幕，你談的往事，你說的話，像電影慢鏡頭的重現眼前。

你說你改了名字，母親改的，改掉了最後一個字，彷彿宣告你不再是以前的那個你，不再是我想念的那個你，當年年少輕狂的那個你。
你不再是你。
人生有太多遺憾，讓遺憾成為遺憾，再也沒有什麼遺憾。
嗯！或許，我想念的不只是你，還有那段神采飛揚的無怨青春。

「你是我最完整的廢墟。」是形容我心情的最佳寫照，但這句話不是我說的，是夏宇說的。

我想念你，但已經與你無關。
如果未來有機會繼續認識你，那已是全新的你。
雖然，我仍然是我。

《Earth Died Screaming》：TOM WAITS


Rudy's on the midway
and Jacob's in the hole
the monkey's on the ladder
the devil shovels coal
with crows as big as airplanes
the lion has three heads
and someone will eat the skin that he sheds
and the earth died screaming
the earth died screaming
while I lay dreaming of you

Well hell doesn't want you
and heaven is full
bring me some water
put it in this skull
I walk between the raindrops
wait in bug house square
and the army ants
they leave nothin' but the bones
and the earth died screaming while I lay dreaming of you

There was thunder there was lightning
then the stars went out and the moon fell from the sky
it rained mackerel it rained trout
and the great day of wrath has come
and here's mud in your big red eye
the poker's in the fire and the locusts take the sky
and the earth died screaming while I lay dreaming of you